Humans are from Earth, Vampires are from Venus
by Scecky
Summary: Edward must leave Bella to return to his home planet and address an arranged marriage. Edward's absence forces Bella to turn to Jacob. But when will Edward return?


Warning: This fan fiction is graphic, explicit, and potentially disturbing.

Disclaimer: This fan fiction is parody.

"No, Bella, it's true," Edwaaarrd choked, "I am from another world. I must return to my home planet."

Bella sat perfectly still as she sobbed hysterically into the microphone. Regis looked incredibly uncomfortable as he internally waited for the thirty-second "Phone a Friend" lifeline to expire..

Bella wanted to run away and hide. Edward had encouraged her take the opportunity for her "big break" on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? and she had agreed. Could he be serious? Why would he say that to her on national television? The crowd held its breath as she stood up and left, sullen. The entire plane ride back to Forks was like purgatory. She was awaiting judgment from her God. He was her entire life, and it wasn't worth living without him. Thus strongly had Edward established himself as absolute master of her being. Her irrevocable love for him persisted, and as she hiked the mountain to get back to her house from the airport, she wondered what planet Edward was from. What his real name was.

Back at the ultra-modern Cullen estate of glass and sparkles, Edward picked his greasy fingernails with the folded corner of an old, unpaid telephone bill. Cullens don't need to pay no fuckin bills. A purple bird slammed into his window and he hissed, wishing his weekly Raffi session had not be interrupted by the absolute idiocy of an animal. Had Bella called him recently? He couldn't really remember, as the crack pipe laid, still smoking, on the chaise lounge beside him. Actually, it had started burning through the shiny white vinyl a little bit. But that couldn't be right. He had read somewhere that vinyl was completely flame retardant. Whatever. It was nothing a copy of _Saturday Night Fever_ couldn't cover up.

Suddenly, he sensed his Love was nearby. He sniffed the air around him, tinged with the impossible scent of burnt vinyl. He launched himself out of his chaise lounge, completely forgetting to stash his illicit paraphernelia. Edward opened the front door, stepped outside, and sucked in a huge whiff of Bella Blood. She was back from Los Angeles; it was time to talk.

He took off vampire-waddling at the speed of 100 grown ducks and reached her front yard half a second later. He hissed at the strong scent of sweet, luscious hemoglobin. It was only a moment before he had effortlessly flown up to Bella's window and used his laser vision to pick the lock. Within seconds he had hovered through silently, secretly moving behind Bella and placed his hand over her mouth.

She grunted in surprise, looking up at him in fear, lust, and cluelessness. He had to resist the incredible urge to lean down and clamp his jaws over her jugular artery. Sometimes, when he was wanking in the shower, he imagined himself ripping it out of her throat to chew on it in reckless abandon. He truely loved her.

Bella sensuously licked Edwards palm. "Ew. Sick! What the fuck, Bella? Why would you lick my palm so sensuously?" he whined sexily, yanking his hand away as though he had accidently burned it with a crack pipe or his laser vision. His face contorted into a disgusted mess of mouth, nose, eyes, eyebrows, skin, acne scars and teeth. He then laughed and ran the dripping wet hand suavely back through his heavily-gelled golden-copper-rust dredded lock.

Bella lunged at him like a ninja at a black tie event, covering his mouth with her creamy forearms. "Edward! I can't believe you're an alien! Never leave me!!" She screamed with such ferocity that Edward's dred quivered atop his angelic head, threatening to grow out of control like the vines in _Jumanji_. Bella pet his cheek as though petting a favorite rifle or can of oatmeal- nonchalantly.

"Bella! You know your forearms make my dred grow! It's like those fucking vines in _Jumanji_! It's a fucking nightmare!" he shrieked angrily, patting the lonely hair-dildo on his scalp.

She took a step back, guilt written across her bland features. "So what's the deal, Eddy? Are you an alien or what?"

Mr. Cullen heaved a deep sigh and stared straight into her murky eyes. She was so plain, nondescript. He had to concentrate to keep himself from popping a boner. It was an impossible task.

"Bella. I didn't know how else to tell you... the Cullens are from Venus. We're like mermaids, but with lava." Edward paused so that Bella could imagine his family flitting about like dolphins in molten rock, surrounded by glowing liquid that would disintegrate a weak, little human. Her loins quivered; that must be why they sparkle in the sunlight!

"We moved to Earth because we got hate crimed all the time for being vegetarian vampires. Carlisle decided to pack up and move to find a better life for himself and his family." Edward fell silent as he was momentarily lost in his thoughts. "He picked America because, in the early 1900's, he really hated Italians."

"But- but then why did your family make me Italian food when I met them?" Bella quizzed like a crotchety husband trying to catch his dog in a shameful lie.

Edward sighed and slung his arm around her lower thighs. "It was a test, Bella. If you had eaten it, he would have killed you instantly. He has the power to shoot lava from his hands. It comes from being a lavmaid." Bella nodded in understanding, imagining being pasted to the wall by Carlisle's spewing juice.

"You're trembling, Bellalala," Edward commented inappropriately, rifling through her drawers, which were chock full of raw meat in paper packages, tan granny panties that alluringly poked out of her brawny man overalls, and various trinkets from the Oriental Trading Company Catalog. He snagged a blank foam visor with a springlike back and snapped it onto his head, admiring his own idea of his slutty self.

Bella continued trembling violently while his hard, icy, beefy arm moved up towards her upper thighs. He looked at her and winked. Her face got angry.

"What do you mean, you have to return to your home planet? Y-you know, Edd-d-dy, you c-can't l-leave me... Don't t-t-talk like that!". The crocodile tear running down her cheek didn't fool Edward, who has seen this act before. Dumb bitch.

"Shut the fuck up, Bella, you're hysterical. I do have to return to Venus-- or as we call it in our language, Nookolij. I must return to Nookolij to find my old flame--"

"Old flame? What the fuck does that mean!?" Bella interrupted, her pupils whiting out like a demon of jealously.

"Bella, calm down. I never loved her. She's just this crazy slut my father set me up with, but we never got on. I must return to Nookolij and break the engagement. I love you too much to go on fingering you without the blessing of the Lord!" he finished, with a pained look on his angelic sparkly face. He really was the perfect man.

Bella whipped out a poison dagger made of lead and aesbestos. "Okay," she said feverishly, "but you won't make it there ALIVE!!!!!!!" She crouched to his midget stature, ripped the foam visor off his head and bluntly stabbed him in the erect nipple, chopping the tip off. Edward cried like a child who dropped his or her ice cream down a mineshaft and subsequently heard the "thud" of a decapitated miner. Not his visor!

After searching her brown carpet for his sparkling nipple nib, he clutched it in his hand as he fled the Swan home as fast as his munchkin legs would carry him, which was approximately the same speed as a conveyor belt for inner tubes at a water park.

But wait! He loved her no matter what permanently-disfiguring and toxic PMS-y acts she forced upon him. He loved her through the pre-period menstruation and the theft of a crusted-over grey station wagon from the poorest family in Forks, who had now all died due to a lack of transportation. Even though the last thing he could stand for was fatal classism, he loved her yet.

He would have to forgive her. Filled with pathetic love, he looked down at his vulnerable lamb of God. "Bella, I don't want to leave you. But I'll be back. It'll only take a couple days, I promise. I just have to catch a Greyhound to Port Venus and have brunch with Scarlett Hortensia. That's her name, Bella. After that, I will never see her again." He let out a broken sob as he pried her waifish arms from around him and summoned his magic carpet to transport him back to Fort Cullens. Bella was left stranded, alone, her unremarkable lips left open in a stupid awe. Edward left her.

As Edward boarded the rickety Greyhound spaceship, Bella threw herself on her bed in grief. She picked up her hamburger-shaped telephone and called up the only one who could console her: Jacob, the giant man-wolf with really great pecs. He picked up.

"Hello, this is the gigantic Jacob Black, hater of Edward Cullen. May I ask who is calling?" he said monotonously with many voice-cracks from growing eight feet in sixteen hours.

Bella let out a long, wistful moan for what could have been. "Jacoooooooooooooooooooooooooobbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb," she screamed.

"No, I am Jacob. Who is this please?" he sounded tremendous and confused, and somewhat like the Geico lizard in a non-accented way.

"It's Bella. Edward left me. FOREVER. He said he would be back," Bella sniffled illogically, creamy tears flowing from the blandest eyes our Lord Jesus ever wished he had not created.

Jacob growled werewolfishly into his dong-shaped phone. "Do you need me to impregnate you? Put on your orange and white striped tshirt and I will be right over there as fast as a wolf can run or a midget can sparklily fly."

Bella reached the bottom of the stairs just in time to meet Jacob approaching. He changed back from his massive wolf form and gave her a cheeky grin from two feet above her. "Yo dawg, 'sup?" he asked politely.

Bella opened the front screen door and shrieked as she jumped into his brawny man arms. He cradled her tiny, miniscule, pixelated form like a newborn babe. When she started sobbing and screaming out of grief, he licked up her tears like a creepy dog-man.

Baby Bella gurgled a last sob and sighed. "Oh Jacob, I missed you like a fat kid misses the rain." She sprung from his embrace like a leopard, taffeta gown whipping in the wind machine.

"Let's get down to business!"

~*~*~*~

Edward opened his eyes when the space-bus made touchdown on Venus. Home. He was returning to his lava-maid heritage. He already felt his clothes melting off his body and his skin returning to the sleek heat-proof swimming machine it was originally, before he moved to Earth.

When he got out of the under-lava bus station he got a cheap hotel room and looked up Scarlett Hortensia in the telephone book. He called her the next morning.

"Hello, who's speaking?" Scarlett asked through the old-fashioned telephone receiver. Edward shuddered at the sound of her deep, manly voice.

"This is Mr. Edward Cullen speaking. Scarlett Hortensia?"

"Oh, Eddie! You've come back for me!" Edward pulled the phone away from his perfect face at the shrill, loud sound of her voice. He cringed, but no lines formed on his sparkling visage.

"Scarlett Hortensia, don't start. We need to talk. When can we meet?"

"Oh baby, let's meet in my father's lava-sphere in two hours. Can you make it?"

Edward glanced at his wristwatch through the goopy molten igneous rock. "I'll see you then."

After spending one hour and forty-seven minutes with a brillo pad diligently polishing the black pleather that made up his lavamaid tail, Edward left the tourist brothel for the bubble in which he lost his lavirginity. With the speed of a mighty steel steed he flippered his phallic back-fin through the entirely opaque atmosphere in the general direction of his arranged-fiancee's home.

He had to stop to catch his breath several times. "Ungh, yeah, that's it, baby," he would say to himself each time, seducing himself into continuing in spite of his screaming pleather muscles.

Suddenly, he smacked into a sphere made of solid glitter and old aeorsol cans- the Hortensia mansionsphere! He had come at last! Whispering the secret password of "Uncle Gigglesnort" into the nearest discarded Garnier Fructis Anti-Humidity can, he was squishily assumed into the flubber-like wall. Unfortunately, Robin Williams was not waiting for him within, bedecked in yellow paisley lederhosen, knee-high fishnets, a tophat and a look that screamed "TAKE ME NOW" in the Moviefone voice, wielding both a Hatori Hanzo sword and chocolate magic shell. This had been E. M. Cullen's most treasured fantasy for quite some time.

Scarlett Hortensia's lava-butler greeted him, taking his fire-retardant vinyl travel body-suit and hanging it in the foyer-sphere's closet-sphere. Out of his body-suit, Edward M. shrugged and stretched his arms and pleather propeller. He smoothed down his single dred lock as he was escorted into Scarlett Hortensia's parlor-sphere, and sat down on an Edwardian lava-proof sofa-sphere.

Soon enough, Edward's eyes darted to the opening sphere-portal, through which a single, gartered lav-maid flipper slipped seductively into the parlor-sphere. Miss Scarlett Scarlisle Hortenisa jiggled her volumptuous figure into the room, red eyes half-lidded, snake-hair slithering through the viscous, opaque lava. Edward looked her up and down; from her torn black fishnet arm-warmers to her safety-pinned corset-style Smashing Pumpkins t-shirt, to her electric blue, shingled lava-fish tail, Scarlisle was the epitome of grace and beauty in Noolijiktut. But to Edward, nothing compared to Bella.

"How are you, my lubby hubby?" she slithered as she slitherly slithered into the slithery sofa. "I've missed you so much. I'm so glad you've returned to me. Now we can plan our goth cake wedding and live happily ever after!". As she spoke, magma oozed out of her luscious, black lips and spilled down her face and bosom, like a regal Lav-maid queen.

"Oh, right, about our gothcake wedding..." E. hesitated, building the suspense for when he would drop the breakup bombshell on this veritable Venus of Venus.

"Yes, my snugglelumpkin child of darkness?" ScarScarHor batted her two inch-long lavalashes, which were made of lavachinchilla fur, against EdMedCul's luscious, glittering midget cheek.

He could not resist her complete lack of regard for the life of the most endangered lavaspecies, and instantly popped a chubby. "I was thinking we could invite Cho-Cha, the dragon underlord of my Marilyn Manson fan club, to perform Pomp and Circumstance," he said lasciviously as she stared at his rock-like chode in mock-awe.

"I forgot your raging hard on was so lumpy and rock-like," the lavmaid with the lady genitals gaped, forked tongue lashing the lava surrounding the couple, as well as her lavabutler, who was watching because there was nothing good on lavaVH1 at this hour, just reruns of Rock of Lava Lavabus 2.

Ed's lumpy, rock-like raging hard-on jerked around in her fist, and the sensation of her webbed fingers poking his sack of marbles jerked him out of his revery. "NO!" he shrieked. Scarlett Scarlisle "Unicorné" Hortensia III stopped short, ever respectful of consent communication. She pulled her talon from his door knob-shaped jizz-spitter.

"Miss Scarlett Hortensia, I must..." he took a deep breath of lav-air, his lungs shrieking in delicious pain. "I must call off the gothcake wedding. It must be."

Hortenscarlonica froze, despite the magma heat. "What do you mean? Do you need a break?", her face fashioned in a frown like the sad side of the mayor's head in _The Nightmare Before Christmas_. Her lumpy black lips sad clowned.

"Scartensia, I have fallen in love. I have found my one true soul mate. But she lives on earth."

Scarlett peered at him, unbelieving. "How could you love anybody but me?"

"She is the most beautiful creature I have ever beheld. Her hair is limp and dull, her lips thin and frowny, her eyes absolutely unremarkable. And she trips and hurts herself whenever she makes a move. She is an absolute angel."


End file.
